Life is fucking complicated, but if you ended something that was making you unhappy, I'm really glad for you. I could say that it's better because it would have just hurt him more later, but everybody will say that, and it's true. The fact is that there's no reason to prolong something that isn't working out on your end of the deal because it isn't fair to either of you, etc, etc. I really admire your bravery.

We all think we're impatient, selfish, neglective, and demanding, and half the time, we're right. We're all confused as to why someone would bother loving us, and it really is a mystery. But what you did isn't in any way selfish or horrible, it was just being honest. It doesn't make you a bad person. You'll both find new romances on the bumpy road to love, and it will be good. I know it was tough, hon. *hug*

(Why does everything in everyone's lives suck so much recently?)

ok this definitely made me think of one thing.

They Can't Take That Away From Me - Frank Sinatra:
There are many, many crazy things
That will keep me loving you,
And with your permission
May I list a few?

The way you wear your hat.
The way you sip your tea.
The memory of all that -
No, no - they can't take that away from me.

The way your smile just beams.
The way you sing off-key.
The way you haunt my dreams.
No, no - they can't take that away from me.

We may never, never meet again
On that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always,
Always keep the memory of:

The way you hold your knife (do-do-do-do do-do).
The way we danced until three.
The way you've changed my life.
No, no - they can't take that away from me.
No, they can't take that away from me.

But Madeline's right,
People tend to be self depricating, especially good people. You did the hard thing, and that did take courage...

Heh, yeah, I pulled "the bumpy road to love" from the song and didn't bother to put quotes around it because I figured no one would recognize it anyway. The lyrics are by Ira Gershwin while the music, of course, is by George Gershwin.

oops you're right, I'm a Sinatra fan so that's where my mind went first, but you're right ^_^

It's hard to break down what a good person is, I've tried to do it way too many times and it usual ends in exceptions and gray area. I think the most anyone can ever expect these days is to be as good as they can. Altruism is hard, and not everyone can put the idea of sacrifice for others vs what they want, I would argue almost no one can... It takes real strength and courage to do what needs to be done, to do what's right, and I won't pass judgment on what you did, but listen to your heart, you'll see.
Regardless, the thing that I always really respect you for is your ability to be a really good person, and I think you're being too hard on yourself... I mean you're doing exactly what you DON'T want Paul to do (which is blame himself). Hardly ever in a relationship is a fault one way, straight forward, or even in existence.
In the end, life boils down to who/what you can trust to guide your actions, and your heart is always a good place to start.

Things in life don't always go as we would like, or as we plan. And at times a change is needed. Trust that things can and will get better.

Dibs on crappier person than Anita!

( No, really, I have nothing better to offer. ^^; )

So, I assume that since I have a LJ, I should post a comment about this entry (actually that's not the reason why I should post).

Well, right now my feeling is still complete numbness, which is rather interesting given that it's Saturday evening by now. But yeah, that Tsunami is going to come and boy it's going to suck. I know that it's rather hurtful to a lot of people to say that it's going to suck, but what am I suppose to do? Lie about it? Bottle it up? Not express my emotions? No, my friends and I, especially Anita, worked far too hard to let me go and do that.

(note that the audience changes around here, it just felt more natural to talk to Anita in second person, rather than third. Apologizes for my sloppy English)

Just as you analyzed more and more, this numbness allowed me to "analyze" it without letting my feelings get in the way and confusing the entire situation up. So, let me start out by saying that before we dated, we were friends and I liked that; and so even given the fact that this has to end, let's not end our friendship - I'm holding you to that line.

Well, now to answer your statement about being a crappy girlfriend to me. I think that it's only fair and logical to say that I have quite a valid opinion on this statement. So, let me open by saying, yes and no. The first one, impatient. Some people are willing to wait months and months on end trying to get a server to work, toiling against broken motherboards, cuts and pathetic tools; while, to quote Steven Canning, "Anyone else would have given up by now." Or with one of the integral reasons of you breaking up with me - my depression. Some people are willing to work on it for basically forever; hell, if it took 18 years to develop, who's there to say that it won't take another 18 years to un-develop it? I personally don't expect anyone to be that patient - I'm not even sure if I am. All I can say is that there were many times that I knew you wanted me just to not be depressed and have that one day that you could relax and I'd just be happy. I'll agree with you and say that I savor and want those moments, but who says that life is easy or fair? Maybe it takes a lifetime to just be happy while it comes naturally to other people(1).

Selfish. Well, it's not like I reinforced that with trying to give you gifts all the time. But, I did try my hardest not to intrude on your time and I'm sure that Mindy, Madeleine and many others(2) can testify that I was always afraid that I was taking too much of your time away. However, despite the amount of time that I allowed you to have for yourself (which was all the time you wanted/needed) it does not prevent the guilt that is associated with neglecting a person. And for that reason, you probably felt selfish.

Neglective (did you know that word doesn't define neglective as a word). I have a history with neglect. It's probably one of the major causes of my depression - or what makes me sad in the moment, above the general sea of misery. So, saying that you neglected me is like saying that you made a pond wet(3). Not saying that it's justifiable to neglect me, but unfortunately, it's what I'm going to feel. I'm sorry about that; totally unfair to you and to everyone else. But don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to feel like this, but it's what I do. I continue to go through life constantly feeling that everyone around me wished I was dead - including Anita and Gabe. Kind of ironic since my roommate this year hates me.

Demanding. Yeah, I can vouch for this; you demanded that I got better and even threaten to break off the relationship if I didn't. Looks like I lost. You "demanded" having your own time, but if one reviews the previous paragraphs, they'll notice that it was impossible for you to demand your time from me because it was never mind to begin with - it was always yours. I always stressed the importance of you first, then me. This was rather the case until you convince me to open up, express my feelings and tell you what was wrong. And that's when I said that when you rarely would ask to spend time with me, for me - it made me feel even more hurt and/or neglected. This prompted you, out of guilt perhaps? to spend time with me, thus making you seem demanding to want that time back. In all honesty, it was never my time; even when you gave it to me. Like now, after the break up and you seemingly unwillingness to spend time with me; I could be upset and say, "Didn't I tell you to not make me believe that you hated me or avoid me? Didn't you agree to this statement? Isn't it like a lie to break it?" I'm not saying, "She promised that time with me; she's lying and taking that away from me." Note that in the first statement I question the motives in the sense of lying, while in the second statement I state that you are stealing from me. I stand by the first - it's your time, do with it what you want I can only make suggestions as to what I'd like.

Alright, why did I stay in the relationship? From what I just said, wasn't Anita a crappy girlfriend? It seems like that - doesn't it? Well, no one is perfect. Therefore, it's time to highlight and what Anita did.

Anita helped me feel. No one here can appreciate even how minute these means to me. You all take feelings for granted and selfishly reject sad feelings - like that they're wrong and distasteful. I understand how you feel, that was beaten into me - literally. Even since I was little, feeling was wrong. Feeling sad, complaining, crying - wrong, punishable by forms of punishment that I figured was just since I had nothing to compare them to. I basically learned to suck it up and not complain. On the opposite spectrum, feeling happy, laughing, expressing affection(4) - wrong, punishable as the same. I was not allowed to be happy; otherwise something must have been seriously wrong - I'm obviously not doing enough work or I just made a mess of the house. So, where did these feelings go - inside of me. Throughout school, I wasn't really allowed to make friends; my brothers would harass them if I brought them over and I couldn't really visit them at their houses. I was shy and just sat, sucked it up and do my work. Yeah, I was brilliant, could program by the age of 4, read before then and do basic algebra within the first year or so of elementary school. However, thank ... umm ... crumb cake, for my mother. Secretly she loved me and I knew that and could feel that. Years past and in 8th grade people finally started to talk to me, to make sure that I was "ok" because I didn't have parents and suddenly required attention otherwise I might flip out and kill everyone. Hell, that'd be the last thing I'd do. I've been an environmentalist pacifist since basically ever. Instead of burning ants with magnifying glasses, I would put them in jars and allow them to build tunnels and breed. Construction always seemed better than destruction. So time progressed, still wasn't allowed to feel sad(5), it was a weakness. Even throughout IMSA, my sophomore and junior year - nothing. I was that happy, ecstatic, crazy kid who'd jump off the mezzanine on command. But then, over the summer before senior year I realized that I needed to open up - freely and then perhaps would I feel love again. Gabe and Anita worked really hard and with their combined effort - I could feel. Rather unfortunate the feeling that greeted them was the pent up sadness cumulated over years and years of Hell - yeah, I think I can safely state that my childhood was Hell - instead of something more suiting to the occasion. Sadly, the sadness persisted and persisted and I learned that all those little systems(6) I had in my head to prevent me from hurting other people, becoming better and being happy - failed. I hurt Gabe, Anita and countless other people. I didn't become better, I just grew sadder and sadder and developed depression. And being happy - I think that's self-explanatory.

Another thing - Anita cared and loved me. Yeah, it was hard to people and I didn't feel it all the time, basically almost none of the time. But there were times that I didn't want to leave that moment because there was a smile in my face, a heavy beat to my heart and a relaxing feeling to my breath that was not forced by acquired through Anita's dedication. I quote my yearbook, "[I]t has been an absolute pleasure meeting you and I'm proud and happy you consider me a friend. I'm even more amazed that you can open up to me and confide in me; it means a lot that you can do that. I know that I haven't be[en] [the] best girlfriend or the most patient person to be around, but I'm trying. Just know that no matter what my mood is or how I'm acting at the moment, I care about you. Even if this relationship does not last ... you will always be one of my closest friends." And I think this states it rather nicely. We were both quite aware that neither of us were perfect and it was difficult being together at times, but what really mattered was that we cared about each other and our friendship could prevail.

So, why did I stay? I knew that I was dragging Anita through Hell with me, but they say go to Hell for the company and Heaven for the climate. Nevertheless, I'm patience enough to exhaust every possibility before giving up (it's what I have to do in my line of work [read: life]). I was fairly sure that I'd eventually be better, whether that was before or after Anita had given up, I wasn't sure. I hoped that it was before, but then again it's not like this has been my first end-of-the-world crashing blows to my life. And, I loved(7) her, so dearly and so much. Making her upset almost crushed my soul, so just imagine how awful I'm going to feel when this Tsunami hits and I realized that I caused Anita to come to this decision, fight through these emotions and live with this guilt? Damn my ability to internalize everything, but at least people don't get hurt, directly, with my negative feelings.

Better of without you. Currently I cannot answer that because I don't know how I feel about anything and I cannot predict the future. However, I can answer that I won't be better off without your friendship.

I'm sorry that you were suffocating and unhappy in our relationship. And I'm sorry that you're going to go through a difficult and crappy time now - thinking about the break up and the awkwardness that follows. Just, don't blame yourself for how you feel. You felt suffocated and unhappy - it's not your fault about how you feel. I would have liked if things could have been different and I could have been a non-crappy boyfriend. But then again I would have liked if my childhood didn't suck or my computers would just work without having to spend money and ripping gashes in my skin trying to fix them with pathetic tools (why have I not invested in a tool set?). Shit happens and we just have to make the best of it. Therefore, I'm holding you to that friend line. And if you do care and want to be my friend, you'll understand that I'll still be depressed and it might take a long time for it to go away. You'll also care and not ditch or avoid me (like how it seems to have been going for this past while). And you'll be there to care and listen to me when I come crashing down and this Tsunami destroys me. Well, you might not be the physical person there to gets hit with me, but you won't avoid me during or after it. Don't pull a Samantha on me.

Life is so fucking complicated. I nod and say, "Hate destroys; love creates." And so, I love you all, even you Sam.

PS, Feifei, I'm the king of crappy!

(1)I can be happy, it's just temporary. It's not really any prolonged happiness.
(2)Those were the first two names that came to mind, I apologize for the others that were not mentioned.
(3)Despite the fact that I'm already depressed, it still hurts to be hurt. Yeah, from most people's perspective, it looks like I'm already depressed and so a little more either way isn't going to help. Just please don't say, "Oh, it doesn't matter, he's already hurt." or "He can never be happy, not matter what I do, he's still depressed." Yes, depressed, but /less/ depressed.
(4)Unless I did it while doing something John (my father) liked. I really didn't like the same things he did. He liked war, destruction and sports. Not to mention Lord of the Kings so I have some major negative reinforcement against that series.
(5)Yeah, I did feel sad from time to time. It was bottled up and I exploded. It was never pretty.
(6)Some of these systems were created by conditioning from my older brother and father while others were things that I thought of after I sat and figured out how to deal with my parents' deaths.
(7)Yeah, it's in past tense. I'm still numb so I cannot honestly state how I feel about Anita now.

Apparently there is a 4300 character limit with posts - that explains why this is fragmented.